Sunday, October 26, 2008

This is a QotW answer A friend of mine sought solace in the booze..

following the death of his father. My mate at the time was in his late teens, and went a bit mental with the drink.

Anyway, the drinking got to the point that he was permanently in his local getting absolutely wasted.

Things got progressively worse until about 3/4 way through one particular all-day session. Picture the scene: my mate stood propping up the bar of a dark northern pub, talking inane bollocks to other harderned piss-heads.
Suddenly he feels the need to expel some gas from the trouser department - which he duly does.
However, this is accompanied by a breakfast, lunch and dinner's worth of follow-through that only alcohol can truly bring....and due to the state of him at the time he was completely unaware of it.

Several hours and many beers later he toddles off home and collapses blind drunk on the bed.
In the cold light of day he finds the tell-tale brown,luke-warm, stinking mess leaking from his undercrackers.
Thinking he did it during the night whilst he was asleep, he thought no more about it, cleaned himself up and merrily went back down the pub for more.

Unfortunately for him, the regulars *had* noticed the previous night.
He was greeted with a round of applause, much piss-taking from both the landlord and regulars.
Also a new decoration was erected in the pub in his honour. This just happened to be a nappy with my mate's name pinned to it hung up above his place of choice at the bar, which remained there for weeks afterwards.

After that little incident he decided it was about time to get help from the AA.

Monday, October 13, 2008

Boulder shits

I went to go see Kill Bill 2 the day after it opened and I think something in the popcorn disagreed with me. I was at the bookstore about a half hour later and a rock settled in my intestines. Putting the two Megatokyo books and I think an Edward Gorey aside, I left in search of a john. The theatre was at the otherside of a doozey of a parking lot and I knew I would not make it, so I searched for something in the area. Not wanting to traverse through Macy's for a toilet, I went to the nearest place I knew would have a ready toilet without my having to buy something: Burger King. Big mistake.

Oh, where to begin. First, the mall is ghetto, fortunately not very ghetto, but close enough. So the bathroom's already a wreck, the floor is slick, the doorknob is wet from something, the stall doors have spaces large enough above and beneath for someone to look through and see what's going on. To make matters worse, there is a queue, the first stall (out of two) that I went into had no toilet paper, and the second that did have toilet paper was the one which recieved a dookie the size of a tennis ball and long as a football. For those of you who have seen Trainspotting, this is the worst toilet in New York, except it's in white tile with better lighting.

I'm in New York, so water pressure is pretty good. I expect the crap to be flushed like rocket fuel. What happens? The handle barely moves an inch and everytime I jiggle the handle, I only get a little bit of water and the tennis ball moves an inch. It takes about ten tries of this before the thing is smashed up enough by the water to be properly flushed. I barely get my hands clean, I get them dirty again from the doorknob, any attempt to find a bathroom in Macy's is futile so I can't really clean my hands until I get home, and I have learned to avoid the Burger King bathroom.

I've also had similiar craps at home where I've had to go to work on the toilet with the plunger for a bit. Fortunately, it's not often, but when it happens, I'm in there for about a half an hour. And fortunately, only once have I jiggled the handle so much that the toilet overflows.

I really think I should have been born a boy. I'm too disgusting to be a girl and not ugly enough to get away with this. Oh, while I'm at it, when I was younger, I ate so many M&Ms the day after Halloween that when I blow my nose, my snot was blue, green, and red. Gross then, hilarious now.

Sunday, October 12, 2008

Dos stories

1. After eating lots of vietnamese greens and vegetables one night, I noticed particularly green poop the next day. Intrigued, I examined it a bit closer and found that it had no scent. At that point I was elated at the fact that my shit really did not stink. I made sure it wasn't a fluke the next time I got vietnamese food, and found that again, with consumption of certain green things my shit was indeed delightfully scentless.

2. I'm anal retentive in the literal sense of the phrase. I just won't go for days. I was spending a couple nights at a friend's house and hadn't gone for a few days and it was all compacted and boulder-esque, so I definitely had to go. After spending a fair amount of time in the bathroom, my friend was getting worried. I assured her that I was fine and would be out momentarily. I tried to flush the surpisingly round turd and it just would not. The bowl was starting to fill with water and I had no option but to remove it manually. Like the trooper that I am, I wrapped my hand in toilet paper and reached in and removed the half stuck turd from the drain (there was some digging involved-it was pretty stuck). I definitely buried it in said friend's trash can. My hand smelled like poo for days.
sorry for the length!