Monday, October 13, 2008

Boulder shits

I went to go see Kill Bill 2 the day after it opened and I think something in the popcorn disagreed with me. I was at the bookstore about a half hour later and a rock settled in my intestines. Putting the two Megatokyo books and I think an Edward Gorey aside, I left in search of a john. The theatre was at the otherside of a doozey of a parking lot and I knew I would not make it, so I searched for something in the area. Not wanting to traverse through Macy's for a toilet, I went to the nearest place I knew would have a ready toilet without my having to buy something: Burger King. Big mistake.

Oh, where to begin. First, the mall is ghetto, fortunately not very ghetto, but close enough. So the bathroom's already a wreck, the floor is slick, the doorknob is wet from something, the stall doors have spaces large enough above and beneath for someone to look through and see what's going on. To make matters worse, there is a queue, the first stall (out of two) that I went into had no toilet paper, and the second that did have toilet paper was the one which recieved a dookie the size of a tennis ball and long as a football. For those of you who have seen Trainspotting, this is the worst toilet in New York, except it's in white tile with better lighting.

I'm in New York, so water pressure is pretty good. I expect the crap to be flushed like rocket fuel. What happens? The handle barely moves an inch and everytime I jiggle the handle, I only get a little bit of water and the tennis ball moves an inch. It takes about ten tries of this before the thing is smashed up enough by the water to be properly flushed. I barely get my hands clean, I get them dirty again from the doorknob, any attempt to find a bathroom in Macy's is futile so I can't really clean my hands until I get home, and I have learned to avoid the Burger King bathroom.


I've also had similiar craps at home where I've had to go to work on the toilet with the plunger for a bit. Fortunately, it's not often, but when it happens, I'm in there for about a half an hour. And fortunately, only once have I jiggled the handle so much that the toilet overflows.

I really think I should have been born a boy. I'm too disgusting to be a girl and not ugly enough to get away with this. Oh, while I'm at it, when I was younger, I ate so many M&Ms the day after Halloween that when I blow my nose, my snot was blue, green, and red. Gross then, hilarious now.

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